Exclusivelyexclusive2’s Weblog

September 9, 2007

I need to hurry up and get married and tame my dogs

Filed under: Uncategorized — exclusivelyexclusive2 @ 1:35 am

Like for real, for reals. I need someone to give me a back massage at night and cook me dinner (since I think of cooking as warming up lean cuisines and using the George Foreman grill)! I need someone that I can just sit next to and not say a word to, but have complete and total understanding of me.

Right now I kinda have that with my dogs, but they are just a little too needy sometimes. Plus, they don’t speak English; so when I try to tell them what’s going on, they sometimes just look at me like “Yeah, yeah, yeah: why don’t you say all that while rubbing my stomach. Thanks.” 

My best friend says my dogs can sense my energy when I call them “freaks” and threaten to “shoot them with a gun.” I of course do not think they really know what I’m saying. But maybe they do? Maybe I’ve damaged them psychlogcially for years? Maybe that’s why they often  refuse to go to the bathroom directly on the peepee pads? Passive agression? Maybe I need to not be mean to them–not that I am constantly mean. It’s just sometimes I yell, because they be wildin. I am gonna try from this day forward to be nice all the time.  Like when Punky Brewster figured out she had to destroy the monster in the cave with love and kindness. Maybe if I’m just nice all the time, they’ll start behving better. Or maybe I just need the dog whisperer. But how embarrassing? Who wants to show the world that they can’t control their 8 lbs dogs?!

I also wonder if they know what I’m saying when I say I love them. Cause sometimes I tell them and  they’re looking at me like “Yeah, yeah, where’s my treat? I thought I get a treat when you come home.”

I also wonder how my future husband is gonna deal with these dogs for several reasons:

1) see peepee pad issue above.

2) they can be very jealous and spiteful. Like, the oldest one will pee on a dude’s sneakers, if he feels like the dude shouldn’t be in “his” house.

3) they sleep in the bed.

4) they can be very EXTRA (see entry below about the pretend illness episode)

I mean, for reals, I think I’m gonna have to try and get Cesar Milian to come help me out.  With other guys, they’d just come and go, so there was no reason to change anything the doggies did. The dogs would just stay outside the bedroom when the guy came over.   But with the hubs, it’s gonna be different. I’m going to have to compromise. I wonder if I’ll be good at that?

Also, I wonder about the whole living with another person thing. I’ve lived alone for the past ten years (exept for two brief interruptions with a roomate).  What if eventually I start thinking, “Would this negro please just get out my house?” or “Could this negro sleep with his mouth closed for just one night?” or “No we don’t need to go to Costcos today, you need to go to Costcos if you want that Simply Soda so bad.”

I mean, let’s face it: I am quick to get an attitude and be rude. Sometimes verbal daggers fly out my mouth before I have time to swallow them back down–before I even know they’re there. So how will that play out? I guess I’m gonna really have to ask God to be all up in the middle of that, so I actually get to the part where I get to wear my Vera Wang gown down the aisle. 

Let me stop, my dress is gonna be straight from David’s Bridal.  And I’m not registering ANYWHERE, all I want is money. We need to buy a house!

Okay, I’m gonna go now, this entry made me sad for some reason.

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5 Comments »

  1. LOL! Sister, why so sad?

    First things first: your man will love you and therefore eventually your dogs, but you will have to choose between them at times. And unless dude is being rude or just going Michael Vick on them or something, you’ll have to choose hubs most times. Prepare yourself for feeling guilty when you kick them out of the bed and they come up to the bed 5,00 times in one night and scratch away saying, all without using English mind you, “Mommy, why’d you diss us for that punk azz?” and look entirely pitiful. LOL! They will try to be little CB’s (cock blockers) and wedge their way between you and your man when all you are trying to do is watch a little evening news (you weren’t even trying to get busy mind you) and they will perhaps, attempt to lick his face off with their butt breath when he mistakenly doesn’t put the covers over his head while dozing off on the couch while you’re in the kitchen making frozen crab cakes on the George Foreman and in the process scare the ish out of him and make his nose smell like a mixture between dog spittle and dog azz. But also, after a while, when they realize that homeboy isn’t going no where, they will mellow and stop peeing in his shoes at night. (Note to you: tell Hakeem to place his shoes inside the closet at night for a good minute until he knows that the coast is clear.) LOL! Perhaps most shocking of all though is that they might do what my dogs ave down with hubs, they will adopt him, make him their biotch, err I mean pet, and sit on top of him, limiting his movement whenever he is around and lick his face off and cover him with hair. Read: they will make him part of the family and you won’t be able to get rid of him even if you wanted to, so yes, he will marry you, even if he doesn’t want to.

    Second, Hakeem will get on your nerves and you will struggle not to commit matrimonialcide (yeah, I made it up- it means husband murderation) because 1) you are right, you do get rude and nasty for no particular and with little to warning and piss people the bleep off regularly and 2) because living with someone is a pain in the BIG OLE AZZ even when you love them dearly. So, relax, when you are there living with Keemy, the honeymoon is months past and you cease to feel all dreamy whenever he walks in a room, rest well in the knowledge that wanting to kill your housemate/loved one is a sign of true love and normalcy. I know because I was one of those 2 people with whom you briefly lived during that 10 year period and I felt like murdering you everyday, mainly all day. And we’s stiliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllll together, sisters and BFF for life. Peace out.

    Sister Soul

    Comment by SisterSoul — September 9, 2007 @ 1:22 pm

  2. One word…oxycontin!

    Comment by lipgloss23 — September 9, 2007 @ 7:03 pm

  3. LOL> YOu’re right Sista, you’re right. I just have one question: Sista, why you so late?!

    Comment by exclusivelyexclusive — September 9, 2007 @ 7:18 pm

  4. Oh boy!

    Comment by SisterSoul — September 9, 2007 @ 7:37 pm

  5. EE, they are not pink nails, they are polished nails and the cuffs are pink, not rhinestoned. Get it right! Awright???????

    Comment by Christeenah — September 9, 2007 @ 10:40 pm


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